The Pillow Book of Ise Nanao Book 1
by cherryblossomnights1995
Summary: 枕草子, Makura no Sōshi: A notebook or collection of notebooks kept in some accessible but relatively private place, and in which the author would from time to time record impressions, daily events, poems, letters, stories, ideas, descriptions of people, etc
1. Chapter 1

AN: So this is rather short... Think of it more as a preface or prologue, even an overture if you will. I think I'ma start out slow, and build up as I go along... Then again, maybe not.

This was inspired by the book _This Is All: The Pillow Book of Cordelia Kenn _by Aidan Chambers. Great book, that it is. If you've ever read it or plan on reading it, I'm probably going to follow that format: not the plot, of course, but just how the story reads. Should turn out interestingly enough... XD

Oh, and also: later there will be ShunsuiXNanao, with heavier romance in the later books which be sequels. This will mainly involve Shunsui turning from 'father figure' to 'potential lover' to 'actual lover' as she deals with her life without Lisa Yadomaru. But I'm still deciding- just thought I'd let you know so you wouldn't be confused. :)

Standard disclaimers apply to this and all following chapters.

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The Pillow Book of Ise Nanao, Book 1 Chapter 1

What you are reading is to be my pillow book. As of now, it is simply a diary, but when the entire journal is filled, it will be the first book in the collection. This was given to me by my mentor, Lisa. Coincidentally, she gave it to me the day before she disappeared. That was nearly 15 years ago, yet I wasn't ready to put down my thoughts on paper. I feel as though I should continue with my life, despite her absence. That is what she would want.

I figure I should set some guidelines for this collection; it will assist me in the writing, and aid you in the understanding of what I shall write.

1. No eyes will see what is written until the book is finished. This does not include the entire collection; each book may be read by a third party of my choosing only after the journal is filled.

2. I will be writing in first person, and to you, Lisa.

3. Some of the chapters will be excerpts from my life, others dictations, and still others thoughts and feelings, or my views on subjects as I am exposed to them throughout my lifetime writing this. This is my journal- I shall write what pleases me. Even if it is just a list.

4. I will not exclude anything important that happens in my life, no matter how hard it is to write about it. I need you to understand the happiness and the pain that I've felt without you. This sounds selfish and petty, and I realize that it isn't your fault, but it's something I need to do for myself, whether or not you read this.

Enjoy, Lisa.

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AN: Hope you enjoyed it. Review please! I'll love you forever and ever and you'll get a shout-out and you might just get a cookie and a hug and... and...


	2. Chapter 2

AN: So... I've revised it. I started with Nanao being 9 years old, but as Snowkid and Abby59 pointed out, it didn't really make sense. So I changed her age to 24. Hope it helps! And thanks guys- you both get cookies and hugs. *slips cookies into hand and embraces* There. XD

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Book 1 Chapter 2

I might as well start with the most recent loss that I've suffered since you left:

You.

I know this sounds cliché, but when you left, it killed me. I had Shunsui and Rangiku, but this wasn't enough. I feel into a depression- of course, only Shunsui and Rangiku noticed, and I couldn't let my work suffer, but I had no idea what to do without you. You were my mentor, and the closest thing to a mother I have ever had. When we would read (Do you remember that? Memories such as that flood back all the time… Rangiku insists that they will eventually go away, but I'm inclined to disagree), it was as if I were a daughter; Shunsui used to be a fatherly figure, but he's more of a friend now. You and him sheltered me emotionally, and I will cherish that always. Although, as I grow older, I see that the people around me can protect and care for me, but I don't really want them to. I mean, It's good that they're there for me, but I don't necessarily want them fighting all my battles. I am a strong, independent woman (well… almost) and I want to learn to take care of myself.

Hence the pillow book collection.

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I still remember the moment I realized you were gone.

When I walked into the office you and Shunsui shared, he was lying on the couch. Totally smashed, he had passed out. While this was not unusual, it was alarming because he had tear-stains on his cheeks, and was curled in a ball rather than sprawled across the sofa. I walked up to him, and pushed the hair out of his eyes. He awoke, and when he saw me he began to cry. Tears streamed from his large brown eyes, and it tug at my heartstrings.

Have you ever seen a grown man cry, Lisa? It might just be the saddest sight ever seen.

Anyway, before I could move, he pulled me into his arms, and just stroked my hair. His tears turned to sobs, and I began to cry as well. His body shook against mine, and somehow I knew that you were gone. The paperwork on your desk was untouched, and you were nowhere to be seen. Shunsui was heartbroken, and this led to only one explanation:

You were gone.

Thoughts poured into my mind- Why had you left? Where did you go? Why didn't you say goodbye? How could you just leave me and Shunsui? In fact, these are things I wonder now as well. Would life be the same if I still had you? All those days spent with Rangiku and Shunsui, learning about myself and them. And not just life- would I be the same? They helped to shape me these past years, as did the sorrow associated with your absence. Sadness is a strange thing... It can change a person in a matter of days. Shunsui was much different as well. He stopped having so many whores in his quarters, and he only drank when he was alone, at home. He was a grown man, and I a young girl, but you affected us both drastically. You brought out the sunshine in me, and so far there has only been one other person to make me glow like you did.

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After a full day- yes, a full day- of laying on the couch with him, we were both extremely sick of crying. He took me out for dinner, and we sat in silence for the first time in years. We ate ramen noodles of a very cheap variety- he seemed to be low on cash due to all the sake he was always buying. But maybe that just wasn't the time to find a decent restaurant. We were torn up, inside and out. You were our rock, the base of our life. When you left, it was as if I was a tree without roots to hold me up.

After that, life seemed to move in a fog of sorts. Nothing extraordinary happened; for the most part it went on as usual. But that's not really true, is it? Because without you, life could never be the same. For 5 months, it was as though me and Shunsui were walking around, just going through the movements of life. We were just a couple of empty shells.

Like sand dollars washed up on shore, struggling to get back to sea, we desperately tried to get over your absence. But it was hard; hot damn, it was the hardest thing in my life so far.

The good news is that I feel like my life is under my control for now. Shunsui and I are the closest Taicho-Fukutaicho pair in the Gotei 13, and Rangiku is my closest friend. She would take me drinking with the gang; we had such fun times. Shunsui and I had some hectic times, and Ukitake-taicho was usually involved. Maybe I'll tell you some of those stories later.

Then again, maybe not.

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AN: Better? I think so. Again, reviewers get cookies, hugs, and shout-outs! ;D


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Life is good during the summer, ya know that? I love being able to stay up late and wake up whenever. Except this morning I had a dentist appointment at 10. But I don't care, cause yesterday was mah BIRTHDAY! And no, I'm not telling you my age. I wrote this yesterday, cause I was on a birthday high. Enjoy!

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**Book 1 Chapter 3**

Shunsui.

The man who cared for me when I was but a young girl.

The man who comforted me when you were gone.

The man who helped me when I was down.

The man who loved me when there was no one else.

The man who has stolen my heart.

Why is it that I can love someone like him? He's so strange, and lazy, and wrong for me.

He always teases me, and flirts with me. But he does this with every other woman in Seireitei, does he not? Rangiku tries to tell me that it's different, that it's the "real thing" when he acts that way with me. But is she right?

This has been the question of the past, oh, five years of my life.

But how about I start at the beginning of the story?

As our lives became somewhat more 'normal' after you left, Shunsui came to me asking me to become his lieutenant.

_I was sitting in Kyouraku-taicho's office today, helping him with his paperwork. Strange, isn't it, that at my age I was helping a grown man (a captain even) with paperwork. I'm willing to cut him some slack, though, because his current and previous captains have all been rather incompetent. _

_Anyway, we (well, mostly me) were working, when Kyouraku-taicho asks me to sign a paper. I was a bit confused, because usually I'm the one asking him to sign things._

"_What is it, sir?"_

_He chuckled, "Ah, my lovely Nanao-chan, always so curious. If you just sign it my dear, I will tell you what it is."_

"_Excuse me sir, but I refuse to sign it unless you explain to me what it is." Sometimes he could really piss me off. _

_At this, he picked me up, and shunpoed away. Being my age, I hadn't fully developed the skills to see as he shunpoed, but I could catch brief glimpses of the area around me. It suddenly occurred to me that we were headed to his quarters, and I knew that this wasn't going to end well. _

_We got there, and I realized that he had the paper he wanted me to sign. I was still in his arms as he walked to the pond under the sakura trees that we both loved so much. (He would often drink there, and we would read there together regularly.) I felt his hands grab my ankles, and the next thing I knew, I was upside down, looking at the water of the pond. _

"_NO FAIR TAICHO! I REFUSE TO SIGN IT! DOING THIS ONLY PROVES TO ME HOW IMMATURE YOU ARE!" _

"_Calm down, sweet little Nanao-chan. I am simply motivating you. Please sign it, or else I might have to put you down. You are rather heavy…" She tried to smack him, but it didn't work. He was to far away from her, his arms being much longer than hers. _

"_Fine. But just know that I might have to kill you when you put me down."_

_He laughed, and gave her the pen and paper. She signed it, and he swiftly placed her on her feet. _

"_Congrats, fukutaicho. I think this calls for a celebration. Your first order is to bring me some sake!" But I was confused. Did he say 'fukutaicho?' _

"_Excuse me?"_

"_I told you, Nanao-chan, get me some sake! We're going to celebrate this momentous occasion!"_

_Realization hit. I was his fukutaicho. "But, Kyouraku-taicho, why? Why did you pick me, and why didn't you tell me?"_

"_Well, my darling Nanao-chan, I knew that you would never consent, so I took matters into my own hands. I have been sick of incompetent fukutaichos, and decided that since you help me with most of the work anyway, you should get paid for it. How does it sound?"_

"_Good, I guess. Just give me a bit to warm up to the idea…"_

"_Of course, sweet little Nanao-chan, anything you want! But now we should celebrate! Let's tell Ran-chan of your wonderful news!"_

_And we were off. _

Though I was a little nervous at first, it turned out to be a very wonderful thing. Shunsui and I had a very interesting relationship, but we got the work done, cared for each other, and worked together better than any other pair in Seireitei. Our relationship continued to grow, and soon I found myself to be in love with him. Of course, I didn't know this, but looking back I see that I had feelings for the man I called 'Taicho.'

Once, he decided that he was going to paint my apartment, so he went around asking all my friends what my favorite color was. They all told him: plum. So he decides to paint all my rooms this vibrant purple.

"_T-T-T-Taicho-" I managed. _

"_Nanao-chan! Do you like it?" _

"_Don't call me that. And," I didn't know what to do. He had that big smile on his face, awaiting my answer. _Should I tell him that I hate it?_ He worked so hard, and he was sitting there with purple on his face, stripped from the waist up. He'd moved all my furniture out of the apartment, and done a wonderful job. _

_But the color… My god, I needed sunglasses. In my own home… _What the hell am I supposed to do about this?

"_Well, see, um, I-really… appreciate it." I tried to smile, but I think I grimaced because he walked over, frowning. _

"_My Nanao-chan doesn't like it?"_

"_Well, see, um…" _Was that all I could say? Apparently so. _He took my hand and sat me down. _

"_Darling, if you don't like it, all you have to do is say so. We can always paint over it." I released a breath I didn't know I was holding. "In the meantime, Nanao-chan, you can stay at my place! This obviously isn't somewhere that you can stay, so you should live with me!" I raised my hands to do kido, but then saw his face. His large brown eyes were looking at me so intently, and I couldn't hurt him. I looked around the room, and smiled at him. _

"_Well, you are right, I definitely can't stay here-"_

_His whole face light up. "Smart little Nanao-chan!"_

"_So I'll stay at Rangiku's." _

"_But Nanao-chan, why?" He was whiny, and it was starting to annoy me despite how cute he looked. _

"_I already told you not to call me that, and besides, think of it this way- I'll help you pick out the colors, and buy the paint, and spend a whole day painting with you. You'll get to spend time with me anyway. Isn't that what you want?"_

_He grinned, and I winced. Suddenly I knew where this was going. "But Nanao-chan, that's not all I want! I want to walk home with you, and make dinner for you. We'll eat it together, and then make passionate love. We'll snuggle all night, and wake up next to each other. I want to love you, and I want you to love me too." At this point his face had gone from jovial to serious. He'd passed a line he had never crossed before. I gazed up at him, and he put a hand a my cheek. But I know it was inappropriate, so I shunpoed off to Rangiku to see if I could stay with her._

Only later did I realize that it wasn't because it was inappropriate that I ran off, it was because I knew that was what I wanted too, and I wasn't ready to face it. It was the moment I knew I was in love with him.

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AN: So how'dya like it? I hope it was up to your standards... Reviewers: you know the drill. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

AN: AHHH aren't you proud of me? Two posts in two days! I'm awesome. ;)

Anyway, thank you Snowkid, for the awesome review. It motivated me to do this chapter early. XD

Enjoy!

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Book 1 chapter 4

Even though my life pretty much revolves around Shunsui, it wasn't always like that. Just a few years ago, Rangiku and I would go out drinking with Hisagi, Kira, and Renji (I'm going to just use their given names, because writing -san, -fukutaicho, and such over and over again is rather irritating.). It was a lot of fun, and sometimes Ichimaru would come along. It was nice for me, when he would come, because like me, he would just sit and watch Rangiku with a smile on his face.

Okay, so his smile was eerie, and scared me. It was nice to not sit by myself at the bar, or risk being harassed by drunken fukutaichos. I mean, they would anyway, but Ichimaru would usually scare them off.

I would usually only have a few drinks; I saved getting smashed for when I was really upset about something (Shunsui).

I remember one time that I saw him in a bar, when I was first sorting out my feelings for him.

"_PLEASE? Nanao, I really want you to come with us! You can get a date for the first time in your life, maybe even hook up with someone. We're going bar-hopping, so we're not going to stay in the same place for too long anyway." Rangiku was getting a bit annoying, even for her. _

"_Fine. But I'm not staying out past midnight, and I'm NOT carrying you home."_

_Rangiku squealed. "YES! FINALLY! This is going to be SO much fun!" She took my hand, and started running down the street._

"_Where do you think you're taking me?"_

"_Back to your apartment so I can put you in some decent clothes for tonight. You are _not _wearing _that_."_

"_Fine." The only way to get her to shut up is to agree with her. _

_When we got to my apartment, she sprinted into my closet. She took out everything, including some articles of clothing that she got for me but I had never worn. She handed me a tiny black skirt and a red, low-cut shirt with no back. "Why don't you wear this stuff? It looks so hot on you!"_

"_No Rangiku, it looks hot on _you_. I don't like this stuff, it's uncomfortable, and even if it wasn't I still wouldn't wear it. I'm not trying to impress anyone, and no one's going to notice anyway."_

"_Rangiku smiled evilly. "If you don't wear this I will tell Kyouraku-taicho that you love him and then give him the keys to your apartment."_

_Damn it, I thought. I really don't want to have to change my locks again. Two times in three months? No thank you. "Fine. I'll wear it."_

_She squealed again. "Yay! You'll thank me later!" And she winked. She actually _winked.

_Twenty minutes and three make-up sessions later, we finally left my apartment. Rangiku borrowed some of my clothes; she said that we wore the same size. I wasn't sure about this, but given how tightly her clothes fit, I wouldn't put it past her. _

_We made our way to the bar (slowly- she made me wear 6 inch stilettos from the real world), and met up with Renji and the gang. They had drinks waiting for us, and Rangiku downed hers with one gulp. She then made her way over to a rousing game of poker, and sat on some lucky man's lap. I turned my attention to the other fukutaichos, who were gaping at me. _

"_Why, Nanao, you look…" Kira was speechless, but Renji helped him out._

"_Sexy! Goddamn, if I'd known…" He blushed, but I just rolled my eyes._

"_Really, Nanao, you look wonderful. Don't listen to Renji, he thinks with his dick."_

"_Touché, Hisagi, and thanks. Rangiku convinced me to wear this. Well, I guess blackmailed would be the better term."_

_He laughed, "Yeah, I figured. You don't usually come drinking with us, and when you do you wear clothes a bit more suited to your own taste."_

_I smiled. He was right, after all. The conversation strayed from me and went to some other topics. I wasn't listening, just enjoying the company and the warmth that came from my drink. I looked about the bar and saw some captains walk in. Ukitake, Unohana, and… I was startled. I watched him walk over to me, surprised. His eyes trailed down the front of me, from the bit of cleavage I was showing to the itty-bitty skirt that did "all the right things for my legs" as Rangiku put it. He sat down next to me, having left his own drinking group. I was alone as well, because everyone else left to bet on the poker game that was still going on. _

_He reached for my face, but let his hand drop. "Nanao…"_

"_What, Taicho?" _

_Puzzled, he couldn't form sentences. Or words, for that matter. He just kept looking at me. _

"_Taicho, if you are having a problem, perhaps you should tell me what is the matter."_

"_I… was just surprised. I've never seen you… like this." And with that, he did a once-over again._

"_Taicho, I would really love if you didn't look at me as though I was a piece of meat, especially since you are the reason for this outrageous outfit."_

_I confused him with that. "What? What do I have to do with this?"_

"_Well, if you didn't flirt meaninglessly with me all the time, Rangiku wouldn't have threatened to give you the key to my apartment." (Last time she gave it to him, he came to my apartment drunk one night professing his love for me. I knew it was just the alcohol speaking, and walked him home. But he refused to give me the key back, so I had to change the locks.) _

"_Nanao-chan-"_

"_Please don't call me that. And I really don't want to hear it." I walked away. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his foolishness. The game of poker had ended with Rangiku giving some random guy a lap dance, so I pulled her away and decided to take her home. Before I reached the door I saw Kyouraku-taicho surrounded by women, and one was putting her hand down her pants. For some reason this annoyed me, and I stormed back to the bar with Rangiku. I ordered another two drinks, and she giggled. _

"_You goin'a order more-a driiinkss?" Her speech was really slurred, but I didn't care anymore. _

_I had to get smashed. _

We stayed, drinking and drinking, until the bar closed. Apparently Shunsui stayed and took us home, because I awoke in my own bed, and he left a note telling me to stay home from work and rest. I don't think I ever did thank him for that night; I guess I figured it was his fault in the first place, and I had no reason to thank him.

So you know how I said that my life didn't always revolve around Shunsui?

I was wrong. It always was either you or him.

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AN: I'm pretty content with this one. I mean, I would've liked to add more, but I figured I should just make another chapter... Reviewers- do your stuff! XD


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Hey guys! I'm sorry about the late update (though it's definitely not that latest I've updated- I just promised myself I would do better)! I was on vaca in Cleveland (yeah, I know; not the hottest vaca spot ever... but my sister had a doctor's appointment with a neurologist there- special, I know- so...yeah...). But I managed to write this in the waiting room. Be thankful, I had to do it the old-fashioned way- paper and pen, for Christ's sake!

Thanks to the reviewers! Your support has been astounding, I love you guys. :3

And I would like to explain what's going on, to clear up any confusion you might have. Nanao is writing this journal when she is 24, including excerpts from past years. She is already in love with Shunsui at this point, which is why she refers to him as simply 'Shunsui.' The italics represent flashbacks/excerpts, so she calls him 'sir' or Kyouraku-taicho.' If you have any questions, review, and include them. Thanks! And enjoy! XD

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**Book 1 chapter 4**

Here are some lists that I made when I was young, a little while after you left.

_Things I hate:  
__Being proven wrong  
__Interruptions  
__When people try to force me to sing or make art  
__Oranges and other citrus fruits. I don't know why, I just hate them  
__Obnoxious drunks  
__Being looked at  
__Unintelligent beings  
__Artificial anything…_

Funny, every single one of these are the same except obnoxious drunks. I hated them until just recently- now I just find them amusing.

_Things I like:  
__Butterflies on flowers  
__Paperwork (so straightforward and simple!)  
__Ballpoint pens (they write very smoothly)  
__Gazebos I can sit and read in.  
__Journals that haven't been written in  
__Journals that are completely full_

I still like all of these as well, except for paperwork. That passion has burned out working with Shunsui for so long.

God, I was strange.

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I love how Shunsui was such a father to me when I was young, yet became a friend as I grew older. But I began this story at the begging, and at the beginning I shall stay.

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Shunsui and I would often sit beneath the sakura trees and do sudoku puzzles. The golden sun would shine through the blossoms, illuminating the area around us in a pink glow. It matched the haori he always wears, and he would say, "See Nanao-chan? The reason I wear this haori…" And he would smile that lazy grin of his, lay back, and leave me to finish the puzzle.

Sometimes we'd do a puzzle together, others we would each have our own books. When he first introduced them to me I was about 11, and he seemed like a genius at the time. But I soon found that I was a natural, and I am now easily ten times better.

Of course, I don't know for sure, because he's too lazy to stick with a puzzle, while I, on the other hand, can't focus my attention on anything else until it is finished.

_We were sitting underneath his favorite sakura tree _(the one by the pond if you so recall…) _doing sudoku. Though it was springtime, not many trees had blossomed- this was one of the few in Seireitei that did. We were lying next to one another on our stomachs, sharing a puzzle, and though I am but 14, I have already caught up to his sudoku abilities. _

_Staring at the page, I was right about to have a revelation when a blossom fell onto the page, and interrupted my train of thought. This upset me immensely for some unknown reason, and I smashed the petals, annoyed that I was interrupted by something so trivial. _

_But then I saw Kyouraku-Taicho staring at me._

"_What, sir?"_

"_I was just wondering why you did that…"_

"_Oh, the flower? I was just annoyed that something so trivial had interrupted my thoughts."_

"_That's why you killed it?"_

_At this point I was really confused. "Look, Taicho-"_

"_Nanao _(things always did go downhill when he didn't add '-chan.')_, why are you asking me to look? I am looking. Don't you mean 'listen?'"_

_I exhaled loudly, counting down from five. I hate when he does this: when he lectures and argues over something that doesn't even matter. But maybe that's just the teenager in me…?_

_I gathered myself and my thoughts once more, and continued: "Yes, Taicho. My apologies. I just don't understand why you're making such a big deal over one little flower." But apparently this was the wrong thing to say._

"_Nanao, this one little flower was a part of nature, which is the original art." I should have known: he _is _an artist, after all. "It was unlike any other flower, past present or future. If I teach you nothing else," he says this so much it's lost all meaning, "love nature, love others, and love yourself." He smiled, content with his lecture, and looked at me expectantly. I simply nod, apologize to the tree and then him, and go back to the puzzle which I finish._

I can still see the look of astonishment on his face.

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AN: Heh heh heh... For some reason I had a bit of trouble writing that last part- it took a couple of drafts, which is a *ahem* new concept for me, haha... Anyways... Reviews are welcome, you'll get a cyber-hug! BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Reviews in the next few days will be rewarded with a free snuggie!


	6. Chapter 6

AN: This is for your review, Snowkid. Thanks for all your support, guys, keep it coming! XD (Teehee so I kinda forgot to revise it, hence the previous confusion. So here it is, the new and improved sixth chappie!)

Inspired by a few songs, actually: A Day in the Life, The Beatles; Sweating Bullets, Megadeth; Zoom into Me, Tokio Hotel; Exogenesis Part 3, Muse. See if you can tell what part each song represents. ;)

Enjoy!

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Book 1 Chapter 5

Oh, Shunsui… How kind you were to me whenever I needed you most. Sometimes you went over the top, of course, but that is simply your nature.

_**She was running fast, so fast that her very legs could not keep up with each other. She could see the sweat flying off her, and her hair had lost the clip a while ago. But she no longer cared- she just wanted to get away alive. But first, she had to save him. Fear encased her mind; how could she save him, when he couldn't save himself? Icy fingers clawed her back, and she screamed, realizing that death was but a moment away. Sorrow filled her, and she slowly felt her being slip away…**_

_He was holding me, stroking my hair and whispering soothing words to calm me. I realized that it was all but a dream, and I looked around. I was indeed in my apartment, but how did he get in? His face had the usual stubble, but the lazy smile was absent. He furrowed his brow, and looked at me intently with his deep brown eyes._

"_Nanao, are you alright? You seemed to have the most disturbing dream." _

_I didn't want to lie to him, so I answered his question with another. "Taicho, how did you get in?"_

"_I have a spare key-"_

"_But how did you know I was having a nightmare?" I didn't bother to ask how he had the key to my apartment. I figured he had asked Rangiku for it a while ago, being the overprotective man his is. _

"_I felt your reiatsu flair. Are you sure you're all right?" This surprised me. To feel my reiatsu, he had to have been searching for it. For some reason, it spread a sense of warmth throughout me. This calmed me more than the fact that I was in his arms- though I am 15, it is still a comfort to be near him. He is still like a father to me. _

"_Oh…" He was still looking at me, almost frantically. "Yes, Taicho, I'm fine. Thank you for your concern."_

"_Nanao, you don't have to pretend. I know you're not okay. Do you want to talk about it?"_

_I sighed. He really was unrelenting. "No, Taicho, though I truly appreciate it, I don't want to talk to you about it." With that he pulled me completely into his lap; I felt myself stiffen, and he wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back. It wasn't provocative or anything; I convinced myself to let go of formalities, and go back to how it was in the 'good old days' as Taicho was always saying. I snuggled closer to him, and let the unshed tears fall slowly. He noticed, and started to whisper again. This made everything so much worse, and I started to sob. The nightmare was about him, and being in his arms reminded me of the it brought. But with each tear that fell came a sense of relief, knowing that he was indeed still with me, and that I had nothing to worry about._

_But the nightmares returned almost every night these past months, and for the first month he would come to wake me. He would then stay the rest of the night, and would let me sleep in his arms. This was the only way to prevent the nightmare from coming back. Of course, the nightmare was roughly the same, with few variations: sometimes I would be stuck in a box with the thing, as it came to be known, (_I'm extremely claustrophobic)_, other times I would be swimming and it would come up from the depths of the waters, etc. But I was always searching for him, and it was always chasing me. _

_After that first month, he had temporarily moved in with me. This way I could get a decent night's sleep, and he wouldn't have to bother going to his quarters. We tried to keep it a secret, but Rangiku soon found out. She didn't tell anyone, for once, and all was well. He is still coming over every night; he says he doesn't mind, but I'm trying to convince him that there is no need. I'm pretty sure that the nightmares are gone, and I feel bad that he has made so many sacrifices on my part._

* * *

Truth be told, I really loved those nights. I thought it was because I saw him as a fatherly figure, but I realize now that it had passed the point of fatherly love, and bordered on 'lover.' It has been bothering me, because I do not know whether he saw me as a child at that point, or if it had already occurred to him that I was a young woman.

Ah, well. I am reminded of another instance of perpetual confusion and anger, about the same time as the nightmares.

_Oh my goodness. Life is just so strange. I mean, I thought that I had realized this before, but I am reminded constantly of the abnormalities. _

_Rangiku has all the guys asking her out, some are even wanting to go drinking with her! Really. She does look very… mature for her age, but certainly not 21. Oh well. I never thought that anyone would like me when there are girls like Rangiku._

_But... I have a secret admirer! He signs his name as 'Shin,' but I don't know any Shin's. He could be from another division, but how would he know me? This is very strange…_

**_*Ten days later*_**

_My secret admirer has revealed himself! His name is Shin, and is in my squad. Not a seated officer, but he is very sweet. Blond hair that sweeps over his hazel eyes, strong, square shoulders, honest mouth. I was cleaning up the office when I heard a knock on the door. _

"_Come in." I assumed it was Taicho, and I was ready to yell when I saw a very attractive teenage boy standing in the doorway. "Hello."_

"_Good afternoon, Ise-fukutaicho. Um… This is going to be a bit awkward, but…" I was already confused. What was he talking about? "I am the one sending you the secret letters." My jaw dropped, and he saw. "Well… This is a bit embarrassing. So I'll just go then-"_

"_NO!" Shit, I thought, that came out way louder than I meant… "Erg, I mean, please stay."_

_He chuckled, and walked over to me. "Okay. I mean, I just couldn't wait around I wanted to know if you liked me too. I mean, I realize that you don't really know me, but I figured that since you read my-" _

"_Yes, I loved the letters. It was nice, and I appreciate the thought." I smiled for good measure, and next thing I knew, his mouth was on mine. He brought his hands to my waist, and I raised mine to rest on his shoulders. We went at it for a while, but were interrupted by the secretary bringing in more paperwork to be signed. She blushed and apologized while we simply stood there grinning bashfully. _

_I'm so happy! I never thought someone so wonderful would like me. _

**_*Three days later*_**

_Hot damn. That imbecile… I thought he liked me! But now it's as though he's afraid to be within 50 yards of me!_

_I went to see him yesterday, and he nearly sprinted into the closest building. I chased after him, but when I saw the look of fear on his face, I stopped dead in my tracks. What could have brought this on? I mean, he initiated the kiss a couple days ago? What happened?_

_Oh no. What if it was a dare? I mean, something his friends told him to do, just for fun? Oh, god… how humiliating! They're probably laughing about it at this moment…_

I found out later that it was Shunsui's doing (he threatened the boy that if he continued to see me, he would make sure Shin never saw sunlight again), but I still don't know why. It's stupid, because why would he do such a thing? It caused me so much heartbreak, and I never had another guy 'like' me since that happened because the word spread and no one wanted to risk being hunted down by a Captain.

Well, that I know of, that is. But still. The most I get are a few one-night-stands every once is a while. And all because he had to threaten the poor boy. I mean, if he threatened me I wouldn't dare go against his wishes, so I can understand why I haven't had any real relationships. But damn him, Shin could have at least told me, instead of letting me find out YEARS later from RANGIKU. It makes me wonder who knew about it before I did.

Oh well. I guess there isn't much I can do about it now. But I'm still angry.

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AN: Reviewers, keep doin' ya thang. Give me some ideas.

Also, I was thinking of making a book in Shunsui's point of view. I was going to transition it in such a way that it would make sense, but I thought it would be interesting if he had a part in her story, because he is such a big part of her life. It would also tie in with the rest of the books and show you why he did the things he did, not just Nanao's intetpretations. So... Tell me what you think! Also let me know when you want me to move onto the next book. They would of course go in chronological order, this one being years 9-15, so I could move onto 15-20 or something. I can keep going, if you want, but... it doesn't matter to me as much. I could honestly make this one go on forever. ;)


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Hey guys! I can't remember if this is a late update, so... If it is, I apologize, if not...

Anyways, I've been really busy getting ready for Field Hockey and Football season. Why football season you ask? Because I have *epic scary music plays* MARCHING BAND. So yeah, I have Marching band camp and Field hockey tryouts at the same time. So after this week, I won't be updating for a while. I'll have two weeks of hell, and then school starts. So... I figured I'd leave this story on a good note. Hopefully I'll still be writing, but I might not be able to post things as often as I might like. So just... Beware. And I feel really bad, letting you guys down like this. ;_;

But- I expect awesome reviews! That way I'll be motivated to write even when I'm writhing in pain due to all the physical activity I'll be enduring. (Ugh, Five hour FH pratices with back-to-back 3 hour band rehearsals where I have to carry a HUGE Bass Drum will not be fun.)

Now I'm done complaining. On to the good stuff! XD

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Book 1 Chapter 5

Ugh. Shunsui, the bumbling idiot… He forgot to give me the paperwork last week, so I had twice as much to do today. Now it's nearly eleven, but I had such an amazing experience today that I had to share it with you.

I had gone drinking with Rangiku and the gang last night, so I woke up with a bit of a headache. It was 8 o'clock sharp when I walked through the office, and I was surprised by a person in the room, wearing a pink haori and a big hat.

"Shunsui, what are you doing here at this hour?" I was baffled; why the hell was he up so early?

"Oh, my sweet little Nanao-chan-" He was interrupted by a fan being smacked across his head.

"Taicho, do NOT call me that. How many times have we been over this? Now just answer my question."

He grinned. "Well I suspect that it's been many, many times- too many to count."

"Not that question, Kyouraku-taicho, you know what I mean. Why are you here?"

"Why, Nanao-chan, a Captain can't be in his own office without his fukutaicho pestering him?"

I scowled. "I'm not pestering you, Taicho, you are pestering me. Why the hell are you out of bed this early?"

His smiled faded, and I started to worry. This either meant someone died, or I had more paperwork to do than usual. I figured the latter, and I was correct in my assumption. "See, Nanao-chan, the thing is… I forgot to give you last week's paperwork, and there seemed to be a lot more from that week than usual… And they're demanding that this week's paperwork be turned in by tomorrow at 9, so I figured I could help you finished the work."

And with that, the secretaries started to bring in the piles. It took us a good hour and a half just to get organized, and there were papers everywhere. We worked until lunch. Shunsui decided that we should go out to eat, so we would have a break and be refreshed. We went to get Udon and Miso soup; Udon for me, Miso for him. We chatted while we ate, and it was altogether pleasant. We ran into Hisagi, Kira, and Renji on the way out, and we said hello before leaving. I noticed Shunsui's mood change, but I figured it was just the anticipation of getting back to the paperwork.

We resumed working, but this time it was uncomfortably silent. His foul mood hadn't left, and it was irritating me a little. If I had to all this freaking paperwork, he might as well not annoy me, right?

It was around 3 when he finally said something.

"Nanao, did you go drinking with Hisagi, Renji, and Kira last night?" I froze. First of all, he didn't add the stupid '-chan' suffix. Secondly, the tone of voice proved to be very upset.

"Y-yes, Taicho, I did. Why do you ask?" I tried to keep my cool, but it was really hard.

He looked up with a frown. "No reason in particular, I just heard some people talking about it at lunch. Did you by any chance kiss Hisagi?"

This remark made me knock over the ink, and I blushed furiously. "Taicho, it was a drunken kiss." I tried to seem indignant. "Besides, _you_ would know a little something about that wouldn't you?"

This was, of course, the wrong thing to say. I felt his reiatsu rise considerably, and I worried for the low-level shinigami just outside the door. He stood and towered over me. "Nanao, why did you say that? And more importantly, why the hell did you kiss him?"

"I already told you, Taicho, I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing. And it's not like you haven't done the same thing hundreds of times before now. I don't even see why it matters so much to you. It's not any of your business."

"It IS my business, Nanao! Your business is my business, don't you get it? I-" He stopped. It seemed as though he was going to say-

"I love you, Nanao." This managed to knock the wind out of me. What the fucking hell? I didn't know what to do. I tried to shunpo to the door, but he blocked it. I looked up at him, and saw the sorrow displayed on his face. "Nanao, I love you."

I stuttered, and blushed. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I love him, but I didn't know how much I wanted him to know that. He's been saying he loves me for years now, but this is the first time it has actually appeared to be the truth. "Taicho, why do you continue with this game? I know you're joking, so please stop. It was just a kiss, there's nothing between me and Hisagi."

I felt his arms embrace me, and I was lifted into the air. He walked me over to the couch, and sat me into his lap as he sat down. He stroked my hair, and whispered into my ear. "Is that what you think this is? I just confessed my love to you, and you think it's a joke? Typical, Nanao-chan."

I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding. At least he was starting to act somewhat normally.

"T-Taicho, what are you doing?" I suspect my face was still bright red at this point, and it wasn't going to change until he stopped what he was doing to me.

"I'm showing you what I mean, Nanao-chan. You seem to think I'm joking, so I'll just have to prove to you how serious I am." And with that, he turned my head and took my lips in his. He was surprisingly gentle, yet demanding at the same time. But after a few moments, he decided to start tantalizing me. He licked my bottom lip, then nibbled on it. I moaned into his mouth, and he chuckled. "I see my Nanao-chan likes this… But I wonder, what else does she like?"

He took my hair clip out, letting my hair fall to my shoulders. I felt his fingers run through it, massaging my scalp as he tortured my mouth. He pulled me closer to him (was that even possible at this point?) and my hands found their way to his bare chest. He groaned and I grinded my hips into him. He shuddered, his lips moved from mine to my neck, migrating down to my collar bone. I was panting at this point, and I had lost all thoughts but him. But then I heard a gasp from the doorway. I tried to stop Shunsui, but failed, so I looked at the door and saw the secretaries standing there.

"Oh, uh, please just, erg, excuse us for barging in. We just had couple of forms to give, but we'll wait until later." They were blushing, and looked extremely uncomfortable.

"We'll get them from you when we finish," Shunsui said into my neck. One of the ladies giggled and left. The others were about to follow her when I spoke up.

"No, give them to us now. We should be getting finished with this anyway, right Taicho?" I smiled, and he immediately got up.

"Yes, my sweet little Nanao-chan! Let's get to work!"

I heard one of the girls mumbled something about how she's never seen him so motivated to do work, and I chuckled. Shunsui came up behind me, and whispered, "What's so funny?" in my ear.

I shook my head. "Nothing, Taicho," and resumed working.

I think that may have been the best day at work I've ever had.

* * *

AN: So... Reivew please! I'll be waiting... *creepy background music plays*


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Haha, so um... I know this is short, but I'm also adding another chappie today, so do not panic! I wouldn't leave you hanging like this. :D

* * *

Book 1 Chapter 8

I don't know what to do. Since that afternoon almost three days ago, I haven't been able to face my Taicho. Shunsui, Shunsui, Shunsui… What to do? I love you with all my heart, but it would never work. I know you pledged your love for me, and I know what you say is true, but I just can't accept that you're willing to give up your old life for me. I just… I don't know.

Shunsui's always said that I'm afraid of that which I do now know. I guess he's right; I'm afraid to put my heart on the line, especially since I doubt him so much.

But why do I doubt him? He made it clear that he loved me, so why do I have this nagging feeling in the base of my chest? Why is it that I blush every time I think of him? And why the hell can't I decide what to do about this?

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AN: R-E-V-I-E-W-S E-Q-U-A-L-S L-O-V-E


	9. Chapter 9

AN: So... I wanted to update sooner, but I broke my foot and haven't been able to come down here to my basement! All my stories are on the computer down here, so I had to wait a little while until I could make it down the stairs without breaking all the other bones in my body. And let me tell you, it's not easy to break your foot during marching band practice. My field hockey coaches are a little upset with the band director, to say the least. So stressul my life has been. Make me feel better by reviewing!

Also, I apologize: I couldn't help myself and added a lemon, so if you like this fic but don't like lemons, I marked where the lemon starts and stops.

And I've revised this chapter! Thanks to Snowkid for the great advice. I hope I improved it for you. XD

Enjoy!

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Chapter 9

Walking into the office after three days of leave (I had to wrap my head around what happened, and I think I came up with the perfect solution), I heard the secretaries talking.

"You know, if I were her I would just get together with him. I mean, they _were_ looking pretty comfortable on his couch…" I gasped. They were talking about me.

"But we all know his reputation; all of Seireitei does. She probably doesn't trust him. That's why she hasn't been in: she's trying to think of a good way to let him down easy so he doesn't fire her." Damn… was I really that obvious? I mean, it wasn't exactly the reason, but that was the solution I came up with.

"Maybe she's just cooling off so she doesn't get caught with him like last time. She didn't seem too embarrassed, but I think she was trying to save face. Besides, they're already like a married couple. At least now she'll be getting great sex, and be a little more laid back." They laughed, and the subject was changed. I tried to clear my mind of the conversation, but it wasn't working. So I walked in. They greeted me politely, oblivious to the fact that I'd heard their little gossip session, and I simply walked into my office.

My bag fell to the ground. I couldn't believe my eyes.

Shunsui was sitting in my office, half naked and without his usual hat and hair tie. His brown curls cascaded around his shoulders and onto his chest invitingly, and I found myself blushing profusely. A grin spread onto his face. "Why Nanao, you're late," He sauntered over to me. "I think a naughty fukutaicho should be punished. What shall I do, though?" He backed me into a wall, taking my hands and placing them above my head. His warm breath tickled my neck, and his lips teased my collarbone. "I've been waiting for you. Why did you stay away from me for so long?" I couldn't form words, so he continued. "I'll just have to make up for lost time, I guess." He captured my lips with his, and hungrily explored my mouth. This kiss was so different from the first- before he was gentle and sweet, but this was passionate and lustful.

_*****Lemon starts*****_

I loved every second of it. I couldn't stop myself, so I gave in to my desires. My hands drifted to his pants, but he swatted my hands away. He laid me on my back, and removed my uniform. His rough, calloused hands massaged my skin, never breaking the kiss. His lips trailed down my body, nipping me and licking away the sting. My breast was in his mouth, and he was suckling it like a baby would. I mewed, and he began to suck furiosly. I arched my body into him, and got goosebumps all over. Feeling the liquid warmth at my nether-regions, his lips moved down along my hips, and began to lap at the folds of my womanhood as a cat would lap at milk. His five o'clock shadow brushed along my thighs, and the curls of his hair tickled my stomach. It was almost too much for me; I was moaning and bucking my hips wildly. Trying to stop him, I pushed his head away, but he grabbed my wrists and pinned them to my belly. "Lie still."

"I can't, it's too much..." My head rolled around on the pillow. When his tongue flickered on my clit, I screamed and came. It wasn't the end though, he was lapping up my juices, and I writhed under him. His tongue dipped in deep, and I bucked my hips at his face. He chuckled, and stroked his length. It was long and hard; I tried to grasp it, but he took my hands and kissed them.

"Hold on a minute Nanao-chan, I don't think we're ready for that yet..." His eyes locked with mine, and he slowly brushed his fingers against my curls, and massaged my folds. My eyes closed, and my breathing was so erratic that I worried I might be having a heart attack or something. But then his fingers circled my clit, and every once in a while he would bend his head down to bite at it. It was unnerving to be so close to him, so ready to let him have his way. But then he put a finger in and explored the inside of me, so I was distracted yet again. He teased my g-spot, and I shook with pleasure. His finger pushed in deeper, and once I had adjusted, he began to move them in little circles and back and forth motions. His lips connected with mine, and I moaned into his mouth, and his other hand flicked my nipple. I almost screamed, and he groaned. He pulled out his fingers, licked them (rather seductively, I might add), and pushed his length into me until he was in up to the hilt. I was content with this, just feeling him inside me, up against me, but soon he made small movements that were bliss. My breathing deepened, and he increased the tempo. I came with a small, "Shunsui," and he soon followed. I felt the aftershocks wave through me, and the hot liquid oozing inside of me made me shudder.

_*****Lemon ends*****_

We lay there for a few moments, panting, before he took me into his arms. I nuzzled his chest, and he sighed. Snuggling, we smelled of sweat and sin. His hair was strewn across the floor, and I was in awe at how beautiful he truly was. The way his jawline was so chiseled, yet his eyes were a bit feminine. His skin was so smooth, but calloused at the same time. It was as if the gentle side of him wanted to peek out, but the masculinity had a stronghold. His eyes took in my body, and I felt selfconscious. He noticed, and pulled me closer. "Oh Nanao-chan, you're so beautiful... You were amazing..." He inhaled deeply, and I felt his chest rise and fall. I melted into his arms, and he stroked my hair with one hand while the other drew small circles on my left shoulder blade. I was so happy in that spot.

But then I realized what I had done. "Shunsui!"

He smiled lazily up at me. "What, darling Nanao-chan?"

I sat up and covered my body with my uniform. "I can't believe I just did that."

"Neither can I. I've been waiting so long…"

"No, what I mean is: How stupid could I be?"

He turned to me with a hurt expression. "What?"

"This… This was a bad idea Taicho. I wanted to tell you that I just wanted to remain as co-workers, Taicho and Fukutaicho, but…" As I said this, his hurt expression turned angrier and angrier.

"But you let yourself have a little of what you wanted. Damn it, Nanao! Just be with me! I thought that's what you wanted! Why did you do this if you had anything else in mind?"

"I don't know, I just couldn't stop." I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. "But I'm stopping it right here." I got up and put my uniform on. "Goodbye, Taicho."

He jumped up and grabbed my arm as I walked to the door. "What do you mean, 'goodbye'?"

I simply shook my head. I didn't know either.

I guess I still don't know.

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AN: So... Does this make up for the delay AND short chappie 8? I hope so. REVIEW!


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Guys... I know it's been awhile... Sorry 'bout that... But I hope you enjoy this! I know it's rather short and choppy, but I feel like that's how she'd be feeling, so... On with the show!

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Book 1 Chapter 10

I don't understand.

Why won't I let myself be with him?

Why won't he give himself to me, and only me?

He says he loves me, has always loved me, but if that's true why does he sleep with so many women?

Why does it hurt so badly?

Why can't he forget about me?

Why can't I forget about him?

I got up this morning feeling like absolute shit.

I guess that's what happens when you lose the one you love.

Scratch that- push away the one you love.

I try to tell myself that I'll get over it, but… Maybe he's right. Maybe I do need him.

It's been so long… 3 weeks, 4 days, and 2.9 hours to be exact.

Not that I'm counting or anything.

How have I gotten through the day, you ask? I don't. I push through, only speaking to him as needed. I try to keep a cool, aloof front, but every time I see those deep brown eyes boring into mine… I melt. I can't handle it. He looks so hurt, so distraught. I know he loves me… but I can't let myself be with him. I don't know why; I guess there's just too many feelings that I don't want to have to deal with... so much pain and sorrow.

How ironic. Pain and sorrow with him, and without him.

So… what do I do now?

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AN: Review please! You know, the more you review, the more I write, the more you can read, the more you can review. It's like a cycle... ;)


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Gusso! Back again, and ready for action. Just kidding, I'm like, really sick... but anyways, here's the new installment of the Pillow Book! Hope you're as psyched as I was when I got some inspiration (finally).

Enjoy! XD

* * *

Rangiku came to see me today, along with Ukitake. This isn't the first time she's visited, not nearly. I mean, it's been a little over a month since The Incident, as she calls it, happened. We've had girl's nights in, and she's been with me through the tears, but Ukitake has never shown up. While he is my mentor and respected friend, he's never dealt with such personal matters. On the subject of Shunsui, he's always stayed out of it, simply saying that I should follow my heart. It was odd, but comforting to see them at my doorstep, and I let them in with little hesitation.

"Nanao-"

"I know. I know what you're going to say. And although I don't want to hear, I'm not going to deny any of it. So why don't we just skip the intervention and move on the advice part?"

Ukitake smiled, and I was surprised at his next words. "While you're mostly right about what I was going to say, I think you should still listen to make sure that I understand what happened in the first place. Does that seem fair enough?"

I nodded, unsure of where this conversation was going to take me.

"Shunsui seduced you that afternoon, but you didn't do anything other than kiss. The next day you were going to tell him that you didn't want that kind of relationship, but ended up sleeping with him instead. Afterwards you realized what you did and ran out, telling him that it was over between the two of you, whatever 'it' was. I'm correct thus far?" I nodded again. "For a month you've been suffering silently except for the occasions you and Rangiku have been here. Your relationship with Shunsui is nonexistent, and although your work is not suffering from it, you are. I'm still on the right track?" I nodded yet again, wondering what his point was going to be, and why he was dragging out all these raw emotions once more. "Now, I'm going to assume that you love Shunsui, but for some reason don't want to get into a serious relationship with him. You believe that it's because of his reputation, but really you're afraid of getting hurt. You don't want to put your whole life on the line for something as trivial as a boyfriend."

I felt a tear stream down my face, and Rangiku put her arms around me. "Did you tell him that, or did he really assume it all?"

She looked at me wide-eyed, her blue-grey orbs shining. "I swear I didn't tell him anything. Do you think he's," she paused, glancing at him, "_psychic?"_

I looked at Ukitake, who was trying to smother a laugh. I smiled shyly, an shook my head at her.

"Shall we continue?" Ukitake was back to business.

"Um…" I wasn't sure. I didn't really like where this man was going, especially since he'd probably get me to do the thing I least wanted to do.

"Nanao, I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do. I'm simply going to help you realize the cause of your confliction, and suggest ways to resolve this."

I realized my mouth was wide open. "Are you sure you're not psychic?"

He laughed. "Yes, I'm sure."

"A mind reader?"

He gave me a pointed look. "Nanao, of all people, I'd have thought you would be least likely to believe in that sort of thing."

"Well… you are a very interesting person, Ukitake-Taicho…" I said sheepishly.

He smiled at me. "Let's get back to the important stuff. Knowing that all of this is true, I want you to think about the reasons why you don't want to be with Shunsui." I made a mental list. It was shorter than I thought. "Now make a list of all the reasons why you want to be with Shunsui." This list was practically endless. I couldn't believe it, but I was actually considering apologizing to Shunsui and telling him how much I loved him.

I don't know why, but Ukitake left without giving me any advice. He just said he forgot to feed his cat (he doesn't even have one…) and ran out of the apartment.

He is a strange man, but definitely not that strange. I wonder… could Shunsui be involved with this somehow?

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AN: R E V I E W S _ E Q U A L _ L O V E

**Also, I really want people to review and tell me when they think I should end this book. I'm considering stopping it here or the next chapter and starting the next book, but I wanted your input first. So let me know!**


	12. Chapter 12

_We're sitting in our office, sharing the couch together as we take our usual 3:30 break. I smile up at him, but he sighs and looks away, trying to conceal the anxiety behind his eyes. I move my lips to his to try and steal a kiss, and my heart flutters when he doesn't move away. That is, until I realize he's half-assing it. _

"_Shunsui, what's wrong?" _

_He nuzzles my neck, and whispers, "It's nothing you need to worry about."_

"_Then why are _you_? You can tell me, Shunsui." That's when I see a shadow flit across the window. I'd thought I'd been seeing it all day, but it was getting to the point that I was a little creeped out now. _

"_Shunsui, did you see that?" _

"_See what?" He was suddenly up and raring to go, trying to cuddle me in his arms and move around the room at the same time. I cringed at his forced, worried expression, and wished I hadn't said anything. _

"_Shunsui, you need to calm down. Nevermind that, it was probably just a groundskeeper or something. You know what, you should braid my hair." He loved to do that, and I only really let him when I knew he was upset or worried about something, especially when Ukitake was in the 4__th__. It eased both of our nerves. _

_But he shook his head. "No, not now." He looked conflicted for a moment, and then said, "Nanao, I want you to go home. Lock the doors, and don't come out or open them until you feel my reiatsu."_

"_What? No! I'm not leaving you here by yourself when you're so upset. Either we both leave, or no one leaves." _

_He closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples. "Nanao. You will leave. _Now._" _

_Hm… Maybe it's a good idea for me to leave, then? So I did. But as I was walking back, something didn't feel right. I was standing there in the middle of the street, contemplating whether to turn back or not, when I feel his reiatsu flare up. But this was not the run-of-the-mill, 'come here Nanao' flare- this was his fighting reiatsu. As soon as I realized what was happening, I shunpoed back to the office, only to find him face down on the ground and bleeding. I rushed over to the ground next to him, and called his name, trying to figure out how alive he was. He wasn't responding, and I was about to call a Hell Butterfly when I saw him. _

"_Hello little Missy, back so soon? Shunsui-kun couldn't wait to get rid of you so he could get rid of me. But the poor little idiot… He just couldn't do it. He tried to save you, but he's dead now, and soon you will be too…"_

_I decided it would be best not to tell the assassin(?) that Shunsui was not yet dead. Apparently this amateur was not able to read reiatsu. I simply glared at the man, and called for some back up from the fourth with the Hell Butterfly. _

_He was slowly creeping closer, and I stood, ready to fight. Shunsui, groaned, saw me, and said, "Nanao, you need to leave… That man… He's…"_

"_Yes, sweet, you best be going now. I don't want you getting hurt, especially since you're only trying to help the man you obviously love." _

_Shunsui's eyes flashed. "Nanao, run away! Get out of here, I don't want you…" His voice trailed off as his eyes closed. He was beginning to lose consciousness. God, the fourth better get here quick. But first, I need to get rid of this lunatic. _

"_Fight me."_

_He laughed, "Excuse me? _You_ want to fight _me_? Aren't you this piece of trash's," he kicked Shunsui, "fukutaicho? How the hell are you supposed to beat what he couldn't?" _

_I snarled as he said that. Just because all that was mostly true didn't mean that I was going to let him toy with me. I just had to hold him off until back up came. It didn't even have to be a lot, just enough to hold him down. "You will pay for what you did to Shunsui. But first, I want you to tell me why you did all this."_

_He cackled again. "Why are you even bothering to pretend like you can beat me? Isn't it clear that I'm strong? How long were you even gone, 5 minutes? That's all it took me to beat a _captain_. I can easily rape and murder you within minutes. Aren't you afraid?" _

_I froze as the realization sunk in. He was right. He had beaten a captain in under 5 minutes, letting him bleed on the ground. Shunsui was dying, and I was even thinking about trying to go against this, this maniac? What the hell was I doing?_

_I tried to run, but as soon as I moved, I was pinned against the wall. His lips grazed my ear, and his hands were roaming my body. I thought I was going to be sick, everywhere. I searched for Shunsui's tiny reiatsu, but it was dimming faster and faster, and soon, I couldn't feel it anymore. That warmth was just… gone. A single tear ran down my face, and the man lapped it up with his disgusting tongue. "Don't worry sweetheart, I'll take care of you better than that piece of trash could…" Trying to push him away, I started to sob, but he resisted, and I fell to the ground. Everything started to fade as he came down on me, pulling at my clothes…_

And that was the recurring dream I'd been having since I talked to Ukitake. Every night, I've been waking up in a cold sweat, wondering what Shunsui was doing, who he was with. I'd cry, knowing that I could be with him, and that I gave it up for nothing. Was it worth it? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

But why wasn't that making me go to him, begging for forgiveness?


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Lol, I just noticed that I started this chappie with, "I had an emergency mission today, and what happened was _very _interesting." But as things with me usually go, it didn't happen like that. This was the result of the emergency mission, lawls. :3

Enjoy! And... you best be enjoyin' this double chappie day. I've just had so much to write! XD

*GASP* I almost forgot: I forgot to say hello and REVIEW! for last chappie. So here it is. :)

* * *

I woke up from that awful nightmare again, screaming and crying. But then I looked up, and there he was. I screamed, and jumped up in bed, clutching the covers with all that I had. I looked again, and he was still there. But… what was he doing there? Why was he here, in my apartment, sitting in a random chair in my room, watching me sleep?

If I thought Shunsui was creepy before, this made him take the cake. Yet when he slowly got up and walked over to me, I didn't move. Somehow, I couldn't make myself say the words that were on the tip of my tongue, and it scared me. Possibly even more than I already was with the combination of the nightmare and then finding him in my room, watching me sleep.

He sat on the bed next to me, and cradled my face with on hand. "Nanao-chan… Are you okay?" I nodded softly, which did not convince him. "You don't look okay to me. Come here…" He pulled me into his chest, and smoothed my hair. The tears began to fall again as I remembered my nightmare, and I wrapped my arms around him, not wanting him to leave me. "Shhh, baby, it's alright…" He continued to calm me, and it was just like when I was a little girl.

I knew that when I was a young girl he would come when he knew I was having a nightmare. He could feel my reiatsu rise, and would come wake me up. He'd soothe me, and I would fall asleep in his arms, nightmare forgotten.

He'd always had that effect on me, I guess. I just didn't realize he'd still been coming since I've been having nightmares. Was that why my nightmare always stopped at that spot? I'd always thought it to be that the human mind can't picture death, so you never die in your nightmares. But maybe rape doesn't count…? Anyway, he was here, and that was all that mattered as of now.

Moments passed with only thoughts of him, yet I wasn't sure of what to do. Should I tell him that I want him after all? Should I apologize to him, for causing all this heartbreak? What was he doing here? Was he really just here because of the nightmare? Why would he still come here for me, even after rejection?

…Would he take me back, even after I denied him?

"Nanao-chan… Are you better now?" I nodded, and smiled.

"Thank you, so much. Shunsui, I can't tell you—"

But he was gone. I sat there, wide-eyed, wondering what had just happened. Did he just… leave? What the hell? Why would he just… leave?

* * *

_Later..._

I found him. Stupid man, he just went back to his quarters.

But when I found him, he was lying on his bed, crying.

I'd never seen him like that. And it hurt. God, it hurt me so fucking much. So I walked over to him, and wiped the tears from his eyes with my thumb. I put my forehead to his, and looked into his dark brown orbs. I saw the pain that he hide there for so long, and realized that the only difference between the two of us is that I hide my love and show my pain, and he hides his pain and shows his love. I put my hand on his cheek, feeling the man-stubble that I loved so much. His dark curls felt like silk between my fingers, and I never wanted to be away from him ever again. I knew that this was where I was to be, for the rest of my life. I brought my lips to his, but he turned away.

"Shunsui…"

"No. You're just going to leave me again. Don't play games with me Nanao."

He sounded so hurt. Damn… I really had to fix this. I couldn't stand to hear him like that, never mind what he was actually saying. But… how could I fix it?

I looked at him, nodded curtly, and then got up. But when I got to the door and heard his sob, I ran back to him, and kissed him full on the mouth. I pressed my whole body against his, and held on when he tried to pull away. My lips trailed to his neck and chest, savoring him, and he asked, "Why? Why are you doing this?"

I stopped, smiling. I put my head against his chest, ready to tell him. "Shunsui… you were right. I- I was afraid for some reason. I don't know why… I guess I was afraid of giving myself wholly to someone, especially you. I was afraid of getting hurt. But… as soon as I left, I knew that I had made the wrong decision, and I wanted to run back into your arms, and make sweet love to you all night. Yet… I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I think I just figured out why.

"I knew you would be upset. I knew you would be even more torn up about it than me. Or, at least, I hoped you would be. Which is selfish, I know, but then again, there it is. I knew that if I found you, sad like this, I would come and comfort you, and we would be the same as always. And I didn't like that. But earlier, when I saw you sitting there, watching me suffer, I knew that was why I hadn't come. The pained expression on your face—I didn't think I could handle seeing you so messed up. But once you'd left, I knew that even though I'd be putting myself through _even more_ shit, it'd be nothing compared to what I'd be dealing with if I didn't go after you. I figured out that it'd be worth it. And… It is. Sitting here with you, touching you, loving you… It's worth it. And I cherish it more now that I've been without you for about 3 months. I just… wanted to tell you how much I love you. Because I don't know that I can loose—" I cleared my throat sheepishly, "Um, _push_ - you away again.

"Shunsui, I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you. I always was and I always will be." I stopped, took a deep breath, and looked up at him.

He was lying there with the blankest expression I've ever seen on anyone other than Rangiku. It made me a little nervous.

I tried to get up, saying, "I'll leave you with that, Shunsui," but when I went to move, he held on to me, pulling me into his arms and torso. I didn't know what to do, so I just fell into his embrace, happy for any response at all. It was so warm in his arms, too—it was like a plush blanket from heaven, that God said was for me. Occasionally he would take his thumb, and rub little circles into the skin on the back of my hand. I was happy here, even though I knew that he was trying to think of something to say, something to do other than these little touches. They were actually what was giving me hope, because I figured that if he was touching me, he wanted me to know that he still cared too, even if he didn't have the words to say it. And that made me feel loved, just as if he were saying "I love you." It was enough just to be in his arms, being loved.

A while passed, when finally, he said, "Why didn't you see it?" I didn't know what he meant, so I stayed silent. I figured it was rhetorical, that he was trying to make a point. "You've been looking for love your whole life. I know, I've watched you. But Nanao, you've never opened your heart up to the idea of love. You were looking in all the wrong places, blind to the fact that it was right next to you. Or maybe you weren't blind, but simply ignoring it. Either way, you were putting yourself down, wondering why love never found you, but the thing was, you had to open yourself up to it. It just doesn't _come_ to you, you have to allow it, search for it, savor it. Or else it isn't worth having.

"It's been right next to you all this time, but you weren't looking here, at me. It was so close that you couldn't even see it. And yet, here I was, shouting at you, 'I'm right here, I've been here, I'll always be here!' And you ignored it. You made excuses for why it couldn't be, why it shouldn't be, and in the end you were only putting yourself down.

"So let me tell you again, _one _more time: I'm here. I'm now. Open your eyes and see me. See the love I'm ready to give you. Because if you don't, I won't tell you again; I'll give up forever, and I won't bother you anymore."

He stopped, and hung his head. But I looked at him, and smiled.

"Shunsui… I'll never leave you ever again. I love you. I always have, and I always will. And I'm not letting you leave me either, so…" I looked at him expectantly.

All of a sudden, the Shunsui I knew and loved was back. "Nanao-chan!" He jumped up, hugging me, kissing me. I laughed, and kissed him back. But then he was serious again.

"Nanao—I love you. I love you with all my heart, and I would never, _ever _hurt you."

And with that, I kissed him.

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AN: So... I guess that concludes Book 1. Stay tuned for Book 2. :3


	14. Epilogue

Book 1 Epilogue

Lisa, I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love Shunsui. No matter what. And despite all the annoyances, I'm happy with him, even though you are no longer with us. He is mine, and I am his. We belong _to_ each other and _for_ one another. And that will never change.

Although life goes on (as you will see in later books), I will never forget my life with you. Shunsui loves me more than anything in the world—I know that now. His love was undying, and unbreakable. He stood up for me in times of trouble _and _happiness, and never ceased to be there for me.

I guess you could say that he is, in a way, taking your place. But he'll never fill the hole in my heart that was made when you left. He can only make my heart a little bigger to make up for it.

Hm… This sort of sounds like a letter from an old boyfriend, doesn't it?

_**Owari**_

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AN: Pahahha, so I know I said that that was the last chapter, but I forgot the epilogue! *gasp* So here it is. And stay tuned for the next installment of The Pillow Book of Ise Nanao. It'll probably look the same but say "Book II" at the end or something.

But you know, you could always press that pretty little button on the corner of the screen, and pick "Author Alerts." That would make your life a little easier and make me REALLY happy:)

And as always, REVIEW!


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